Confessions and Cashmere

cashmere, wine and pathfinding

Posts Tagged ‘crossroads

My aim, but not a promise

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Photo from drbeckersbites.com

My aim, but not a promise, is to deliver something at least once a week. Sometimes more but never no less. I say aim because promises are too easily broken. Aim seems more motivational too. With promise comes a duty, a chore even,  to keep to that promise, however with an aim comes motivation and desire. It is more a target and a challenge rather than a chore and a duty. I believe in the strength of words, and so I am trying to be careful in how I choose mine.

Everyone has a blog these days for every unique reason out there. Some great, some that fizzle and some that sparkle full of brilliance. I am writing mine because I came to loggerheads recently and the need to write and discuss it became so strong that I found an old battered empty textbook and started to write. Rather than this come to a meaningless waste I decided to write about it online instead. Hoping that others in any situation of any similarity can not feel alone. I feel a little alone, most of the time actually. This foreign land and the way it is so familiar, and yet, it clashes so strongly with my culture. The language that I mumble and mask so frustratingly similar in sound to my mother tongue, yet so different in construction.

So. My loggerhead issue: I am working on being a better person and having a better quality of life… Yes so simple it sounds! But, it isn’t. Think about your day today.
Were you grateful at any point in time? (A little)
Were you happy? (No, I was that low fuzz of lazy compliance really)
Did you laugh, like really laugh out loud laugh? (Nope again)
Did you abuse your body or mind in any way today? (Yes I overate in comfort food)
Did you use/appreciate your body in some way today?(Yes, running with Goof)

I say abuse as a form of eating because I use https://i2.wp.com/fitchicktricks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/emotional-eating1.jpgemotional eating as a tool to not face my deeper emotions and the underlying problems. Instead I stuff down that food, feeling sick after wards. Somehow still frustrated at whatever the hell has been bugging me in the first place. Then in my viscous cycle I feel guilty and self-negativity rears its ugly head. Again Ill search for food. And so I go on. I am learning to have better choices available each weak moment but its a challenge I face everyday with any form of strong emotion

This aim, is definitely aimed at my own well-being. Studying that subject at university on all levels, from the individual through to a group and community level and then onto a global level has really shaken me to my bones. I kind of reached that point where you pretend everything is ok. Where you LIE to yourself that life is great, you are managing well and that you are happy and and getting those goals done, that somehow you are getting ahead…

The problem with that is when you have to do a self-analysis. When you actually make the time to STOP and BREATHE and THINK just about yourself and how you feel. That is the gut-wrenching, heart tearing moment when you realise that you are quietly falling apart in a corner and no-one, not even your husband, is noticing the quiet arrival of a storm.

Chelsea B xx
P.S What make do you turn to or do when you stress? Do you make promises? Do you analysis yourself? Do you like what you think about yourself?
I’d be really interested to know, leave a comment 🙂

Written by confessionsandcashmere

June 19, 2012 at 3:28 am