Confessions and Cashmere

cashmere, wine and pathfinding

Posts Tagged ‘happiness

Facing the fear of…. birthdays

leave a comment »

Photo care of http://jfeelings.blogspot.fr/2011/02/fear-of-dark.htmlEveryone has their different things. The way they celebrate life. Birthdays seem a nearly universal concept for celebration. And yet for a long time I hated mine. In the past I have had a lot of bad circumstances with my birthday, car accidents, deaths, being lost and alone in foreign cities where I don’t speak the language (it continues but you get the idea).

In fact, I had started to regard it as the coming dark blemish on an otherwisegood year. I wouldn’t tell family and friends when it was, I would have dinnerparties near the date but never ON and never, ever FOR my birthday. I felt like I had accrued some kind of bad Karma from a past life and it always collected on my birthdate.

So two years ago, my then boyfriend, and now husband decided to turn that around. He had watched for a few years, how in the weeks before I grew quiet, evasive and apprehensive about the day I was born. And when he asked why I would clam up, not wanting to dump my horrible memories onto another person.

He didn’t start small either. He just said. It’s your birthday, appreciate it and blew me away with the day he had planned. And since then I have had AWESOME birthdays; He has filmed all of my French friends and family, singing and wishing me a happy birthday. He also has annoyed/texted/messaged everyone of my Australian friends and kept reminding them that no matter how much I denied it, I did have a birthday.

This year he took me for stand up paddle between all the islands, and later on, we had a farm house restaurant family dinner. And for the first time in over 12 years I had looked forward to and enjoyed my birthday.

Looking back I’ve been trying to hide under a mental rock. Yes, I had a huge unlucky amount of birthdays, and yes, that just isn’t right. But at the same time everyone deserves a little happiness. No matter how much bad Karma that is out there. So rather than scream “its my birthday” to the skies I have created my own traditions to celebrate me. Ones that remind me to appreciate life and that I’ll enjoy. This is the day I was born and yes I’ll celebrate it…in my own way:

  • I will make it my day of resolutions/projects/aims/goals/dreams
  • I’ll choose three words to live by for the next year
  • I’ll toast my thanks for the last year at dinner.

This year for my toast, I looked back at the last time we ate at the farmhouse restaurant. I couldn’t speak French. I was afraid to speak it. My husband and I were stuck between the countries back then and we were lost at what to do. During that time, with the patience of his family and friends I have learnt French to the point that I can make my birthday toast in French.
I also touched on how supportive everyone has been of us, no matter how impossible things have seemed. And how grateful I am of my husband, who brings me back down to earth and encourages me to face my fears. I got a little teary, as did his mother and Melo; A special friend of mine and my brother-in-laws boyfriend.

The resolutions I will write about here.
And my words to live by I will write about here.

Other than that. I just want to know what you guys are afraid of? Have you faced them?  How do you make your birthday’s yours? What are your traditions for any day? Have you ever made your own traditions?

Thanks so much for reading this
Chelsea B xx

Advertisements

Written by confessionsandcashmere

July 2, 2012 at 8:16 am

My aim, but not a promise

leave a comment »

Photo from drbeckersbites.com

My aim, but not a promise, is to deliver something at least once a week. Sometimes more but never no less. I say aim because promises are too easily broken. Aim seems more motivational too. With promise comes a duty, a chore even,  to keep to that promise, however with an aim comes motivation and desire. It is more a target and a challenge rather than a chore and a duty. I believe in the strength of words, and so I am trying to be careful in how I choose mine.

Everyone has a blog these days for every unique reason out there. Some great, some that fizzle and some that sparkle full of brilliance. I am writing mine because I came to loggerheads recently and the need to write and discuss it became so strong that I found an old battered empty textbook and started to write. Rather than this come to a meaningless waste I decided to write about it online instead. Hoping that others in any situation of any similarity can not feel alone. I feel a little alone, most of the time actually. This foreign land and the way it is so familiar, and yet, it clashes so strongly with my culture. The language that I mumble and mask so frustratingly similar in sound to my mother tongue, yet so different in construction.

So. My loggerhead issue: I am working on being a better person and having a better quality of life… Yes so simple it sounds! But, it isn’t. Think about your day today.
Were you grateful at any point in time? (A little)
Were you happy? (No, I was that low fuzz of lazy compliance really)
Did you laugh, like really laugh out loud laugh? (Nope again)
Did you abuse your body or mind in any way today? (Yes I overate in comfort food)
Did you use/appreciate your body in some way today?(Yes, running with Goof)

I say abuse as a form of eating because I use https://i2.wp.com/fitchicktricks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/emotional-eating1.jpgemotional eating as a tool to not face my deeper emotions and the underlying problems. Instead I stuff down that food, feeling sick after wards. Somehow still frustrated at whatever the hell has been bugging me in the first place. Then in my viscous cycle I feel guilty and self-negativity rears its ugly head. Again Ill search for food. And so I go on. I am learning to have better choices available each weak moment but its a challenge I face everyday with any form of strong emotion

This aim, is definitely aimed at my own well-being. Studying that subject at university on all levels, from the individual through to a group and community level and then onto a global level has really shaken me to my bones. I kind of reached that point where you pretend everything is ok. Where you LIE to yourself that life is great, you are managing well and that you are happy and and getting those goals done, that somehow you are getting ahead…

The problem with that is when you have to do a self-analysis. When you actually make the time to STOP and BREATHE and THINK just about yourself and how you feel. That is the gut-wrenching, heart tearing moment when you realise that you are quietly falling apart in a corner and no-one, not even your husband, is noticing the quiet arrival of a storm.

Chelsea B xx
P.S What make do you turn to or do when you stress? Do you make promises? Do you analysis yourself? Do you like what you think about yourself?
I’d be really interested to know, leave a comment 🙂

Written by confessionsandcashmere

June 19, 2012 at 3:28 am